It has been said that I do not understand …

I am not walking in their shoes. I have not lived the moments they have lived. I do not know every recess of their heart. I can never feel the exact way that they do. Honestly, I do not want to.

But to say that I do not understand …

There were many many nights my wife, Lucenda, and I got little, if any sleep. People asked us how to pray for us. We said, “Pray for God’s Will for this child’s life.” We were told this was “the easy way out”. We were also told that we needed to claim an outcome in prayer.

We were “fostering” in hopes of adopting. Circumstances changed almost daily. For months we were uncertain of the outcome. We continued to pray the same prayer, “God’s Will for this child’s life.” Praying this pray was in no way “the easy way out.” You see, what was “best” for this child may not have been to be with us. “God’s Will” is much greater than our wants and desires. “God’s Will” is not always what we want.

Twelve months passed. The parental rights were terminated. However, it was far from over. There was a 30 day “waiting period” in case the biologicals contested or changed their minds or whatever. THAT month was almost as bad, if not worse, than the previous 12 months.

At 13 months of age, we adopted that bundle of joy. Was it an easy time? No. Did we have the “9 months of pregnancy” or the “pains of labor”? No, we had 13 months of an insane emotionally heart wrenching roller coaster.

But to say that I do not understand …

My father-in-law, who was a wonderful man, had lived a life of pain from arthritis. It was only after getting a staff infection from fixing a broken drainpipe, that we found out just what he really had. He was officially diagnosed with a very aggressive autoimmune disease. Upon discovery, my wife was tested and officially diagnosed with it also, being it was genetically passed down.

This revelation brought answers to questions we did not know we had as well as questions that could not be answered. This disease was the reason we could not have children biologically. In that, it was a blessing that this disease was not being passed down to another life to endure. We also found out this disease, at that time, relatively new in the list of discoveries, was probably more aggressive in females.

My father-in-law’s health deteriorated rather rapidly over the next 2 years until his death. Two years after that, the signs in my wife’s body were no longer “unnoticeable”. That is when things began to progress rapidly for her. No, she did not have cancer. No, we were never given a “this much longer to live” time frame. Because there was still so little known about this disease, we were “flying blindly” into each new day. Our faith in Christ kept us going each day.

But to say that I do not understand …

Everyday, her health progressively deteriorated. I lived with her every day, but I did not see it. Honestly, I did see it, as did others. We, I just did not acknowledge it. We dealt with the bad days as best we could. We moved on, one day at a time. I did, however, have death in the back of my mind. I know this, because my dreams took me there against my will often. My mind … perhaps GOD … was “preparing me” as it were of what was to come. You see, that woman was a very stubborn woman. You did not “make” her do anything. (SIDE NOTE: someone once made a very misinformed/misguided evaluation that I was “physically abusing” my wife. For those who truly knew her, laugh at this when it is brought up. If I were to have EVER hurt her, I would NOT be here to tell the story.) As it turns out, my dear wife had been in a great deal of pain that she did not share with anyone. Her body was destroying itself from within and she said nothing to anyone about it.

As I stood in that hospital room, I prayed the same prayer over my wife that we had, together, prayed over our son those years ago. I prayed “God’s Will be done”. I knew then that God’s Will may not be for my wife to stay with us here on earth. Honestly, if she had, her quality of life would have been horrible. She would have most certainly lost one of her legs. You see, her liver was full of cysts .. her kidneys, lungs, heart, and all other organs were shutting down. The disease had wreaked havoc on her body. She was “physically” beaten from the inside by an incurable, un-treatable, painfully invasive disease. I wanted her to be without pain, for she has been in pain for most of her life. I wanted her to be at peace. I wanted her to rest. Signing those papers to remove the life support … being there as the doctor “pronounced” her .. THE HARDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!

But to say that I do not understand ..

In all of this, there was still that boy of ours. He was 3 weeks away from turning 11 years old. PRAISE THE LORD, he gave his life to Christ just two months prior to all this mess. My wife had THAT peace in her heart. He was at a weekend camp. I had delayed having him brought to the hospital because things were happening so fast. By the time he was brought to the hospital, my wife had been “gone” for just over an hour. I had to tell my son that his mother was not sick anymore .. that she was not waking up .. that she had died .. THE HARDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE! Watching him “process and realize” what I was saying…. It was horrible.

He wanted to see her. So, we went up to the room. That very wonderful nurse (post for a different day) had gotten my wife cleaned up. All the machines were gone. No wires, no tubes, no anything. Just my wife’s body laying there in the bed. Resting.

I wish I could have recorded the words that my son spoke. NO preacher has EVER said it more clearly than he did right there at his mother’s bedside. This young life explained the purpose and plain of God’s Will and the need for Christ … the purpose and plan of Salvation … what it truly means to be a Christian. He knew that his mother was at peace. He knew he would one day see her again in Heaven. I was so very proud of him (still am).

But to say that I do not understand ..

That was just over 5 years ago. Every day has brought new struggles and challenges into our lives. My son and I both feel the deep pangs of loss. I have regrets of things I should have said to her, or not have said. If I had “just realized” what was happening, I could have done things differently. — We cannot change the past .. no matter how much we might want to. — When I tell someone to cherish the moments you have, I do so out of experience. Do not “ignore” the signs and insist it isn’t happening. You are not in control of life. GOD, the Creator of Life, is the ONE in control. As for “Expecting Miracles” … each breath we breathe is a miracle. Seeing the sun, smelling fresh bread, hearing a child’s laughter, experiencing LOVE with/for/from another … all of these, and much more, are miracles. Cherish the miracles God has given you. Cherish the memories you make. Cherish the moments you share. Remember, God’s Will is not always easy, or without challenge. Look at what Jesus went through for us.

…end transmission..