Tag Archives: The Boy

2024 Christmas Post

My Life, Thought, , , , , , , , ,

There was a time when we would send out a long long list of Christmas cards. Lucenda and I worked together each year to get them out. We gradually shortened the list over time. Then, we only gave out a few.
Since she passed, it has not been high priority for me to send out Christmas cards. And, now that Russ and I have “joined forces” .. and Brian is (um) an “adult” …. (cough) … I see things a bit differently.

This year, first time I remember in my life, I have a REAL Tree in the house. I am NOT having ANY allergic reactions to it!!! Many of my “I have to have them out” Christmas decorations are packed away somewhere as we are still trying to get things set up in our new house (over a year new).
I have lights and decorations in the front yard.

I have LOTS of lights and decorations in the living room.
We have been blessed in many ways.

It has been a slow process … a few moves have been involved … all that to say … I am not the same person I was 10 years ago … or even 5 years go … I am still me, but different … just like a tree growing in the backyard, it changes, it looks different each year … but, it is still the same tree … but yet … it is a different tree.

The ONE constant has been my Lord.

Along the way, there have been a few amazingly wonderful and faithful friends and others have come into my life as well.

My family has grown in many ways.

We celebrate the Birth of Jesus this time of year.
We should be living His example ALL year, every year.

For those who feel distant, GOD is always with you. HE will NEVER leave you nor forget you.

For each and every person on my list .. and beyond .. know that you are loved, you are valued, you are special, you are important.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Captain’s Log …. DUDE YOU ARE WAAAAY BEHIND!

My Life, , ,

I have been a tad busy since my last post … (cough)

I was focused on a huge project this past spring. You see, my son was about to graduate from high school. I had taken on the task of preparing the Senior Slideshow. If you know me, you know, nothing is JUST what it was asked to be. I proceeded to create a Senior video, highlighting each student. Oh, and for those to do not know, my son has been homeschooled. Our “Umbrella School” is based just outside Knoxville, TN. Yeah, talk about “remote” working. We moved to Michigan last November.

ANNNNYWAY, being that the school is SailAway Learning & Academy, and much of the curriculum they have is “nautically themed”, I naturally thought of “Sailing” by Christopher Cross as the background music for the video. Well, again, nothing about me is simple. It took time to find the RIGHT instrumental version of the song. THEN, oh yeah, THEN, since the song was NOT long enough, I had to “creatively” edit/extend the music to fit. It was a painstaking task, that I accomplished!

Again, it is me. SO, this project was NOT the ONLY thing I did. In addition to the video, I created a slide set to be used as the students received their diplomas. As each student walked across the stage, their picture and a “quote” from them was displayed.

I will NOT elaborate on the challenges of the day. The fact that the computer system at the location of the graduation did not have the software to run either of the projects, nor did the CD version I had created work. PRAISE GOD, the young man helping setup found a way to get it to work … with some last-minute tweaks by me.

ALL THAT … to help celebrate the accomplishments of the students that day. My son was part of a group of incredible students who graduated from high school that day!

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My partner in crime/life started working for a wonderful company this past January. He shared often of the environment in which he was thriving. Early June, I filled out an application and had an interview. Within a few days, I received a call from a manager interested in my potential. This turned out to be a second interview.  A couple days later, I was offered a job. Yes, I accepted the offer!

October 18th was the 8-year mark of when my wife died. My son had the “brilliant” idea to “persuade me” to go out to our favorite burger place for supper. (For those who don’t know, she loved hamburgers.) He and I had a blast that night.

Moving on, it has been almost 5 months since started my job. As “wordy” as I can be, I struggle to find the right words to describe how I feel about my job. October 21, I posted this on Facebook, “Have you ever felt out of place because you actually fit in place?”

The next day, I heard a special song on the radio. Just hearing Whitney singing “One Moment In Time” I realized something. After Lucenda died, I faced many challenges.

I had Many “Moments In Time“. Not just after she died either.

There are countless naysayers in this world. Far too many have swarmed me numerous times in my life.

The .. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is that GOD’S Opinion of me is ALL that matters!!

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Fast forward two weeks … this was my Facebook post:

Nineteen years ago, a force of nature entered this world. This force of nature has encountered far more proverbial “curve balls” in 19 years than most experience in a lifetime. There are not enough words to describe how this force of nature makes my heart swell. I love this force of nature beyond words. I am so very proud of this force of nature. This ginger-haired force of nature is 19 years old today.

We had a family gathering for dinner … at THAT place with the GREAT burgers!

OH, and he VOTED for the FIRST TIME this month!

..end transmission..

My Checkup

Health/Fitness, My Life, Thought, , , , , ,

It is not common knowledge of what occurred 2 years ago in my life. I do not broadcast my personal life to the world. My doctor noticed some “not normal” things at my yearly checkup. Some “levels” were off in my blood work. That led to me visiting a doctor at the Kirkland Cancer Center. Take a moment to process THAT one. The doctor there noticed some “not normal” things in their blood work as well. I then had a bone marrow biopsy done. PAINFUL. For the first year, I had regular visits and blood work done. Each time, things seemed “okay”.

Today, I went for a 1 year checkup .. Okay, 2 years from the first visit .. I feel fine. The results were clear. I have nothing to worry about.

I am sooo full of emotions.

Today, the clinic was full. Many different people at different levels/stages of various “illnesses”. Some … Some clearly have been in some harsh battles. I am overjoyed that I did not have to schedule any more visits at the Kirkland Cancer Center. I am overjoyed that I am “healthy”. I also feel some guilt … for “being” healthy. I know, to some, that sounds crazy. I know many people who have not been able to say those words. I am blessed. I am very blessed. I know that God has a purpose and a plan for me. I am still a dad to a … get this … ALMOST 18-year-old … yeah, let THAT sink in.

I could ramble on about other things that would only fill up space and “beat a dead horse”, as the phrase goes. I have shared what I feel led to share.

God is THE God of Love..

But to say that I do not understand

My Life, Rants, The Story, Thought, , , ,

It has been said that I do not understand …

I am not walking in their shoes. I have not lived the moments they have lived. I do not know every recess of their heart. I can never feel the exact way that they do. Honestly, I do not want to.

But to say that I do not understand …

There were many many nights my wife, Lucenda, and I got little, if any sleep. People asked us how to pray for us. We said, “Pray for God’s Will for this child’s life.” We were told this was “the easy way out”. We were also told that we needed to claim an outcome in prayer.

We were “fostering” in hopes of adopting. Circumstances changed almost daily. For months we were uncertain of the outcome. We continued to pray the same prayer, “God’s Will for this child’s life.” Praying this pray was in no way “the easy way out.” You see, what was “best” for this child may not have been to be with us. “God’s Will” is much greater than our wants and desires. “God’s Will” is not always what we want.

Twelve months passed. The parental rights were terminated. However, it was far from over. There was a 30 day “waiting period” in case the biologicals contested or changed their minds or whatever. THAT month was almost as bad, if not worse, than the previous 12 months.

At 13 months of age, we adopted that bundle of joy. Was it an easy time? No. Did we have the “9 months of pregnancy” or the “pains of labor”? No, we had 13 months of an insane emotionally heart wrenching roller coaster.

But to say that I do not understand …

My father-in-law, who was a wonderful man, had lived a life of pain from arthritis. It was only after getting a staff infection from fixing a broken drainpipe, that we found out just what he really had. He was officially diagnosed with a very aggressive autoimmune disease. Upon discovery, my wife was tested and officially diagnosed with it also, being it was genetically passed down.

This revelation brought answers to questions we did not know we had as well as questions that could not be answered. This disease was the reason we could not have children biologically. In that, it was a blessing that this disease was not being passed down to another life to endure. We also found out this disease, at that time, relatively new in the list of discoveries, was probably more aggressive in females.

My father-in-law’s health deteriorated rather rapidly over the next 2 years until his death. Two years after that, the signs in my wife’s body were no longer “unnoticeable”. That is when things began to progress rapidly for her. No, she did not have cancer. No, we were never given a “this much longer to live” time frame. Because there was still so little known about this disease, we were “flying blindly” into each new day. Our faith in Christ kept us going each day.

But to say that I do not understand …

Everyday, her health progressively deteriorated. I lived with her every day, but I did not see it. Honestly, I did see it, as did others. We, I just did not acknowledge it. We dealt with the bad days as best we could. We moved on, one day at a time. I did, however, have death in the back of my mind. I know this, because my dreams took me there against my will often. My mind … perhaps GOD … was “preparing me” as it were of what was to come. You see, that woman was a very stubborn woman. You did not “make” her do anything. (SIDE NOTE: someone once made a very misinformed/misguided evaluation that I was “physically abusing” my wife. For those who truly knew her, laugh at this when it is brought up. If I were to have EVER hurt her, I would NOT be here to tell the story.) As it turns out, my dear wife had been in a great deal of pain that she did not share with anyone. Her body was destroying itself from within and she said nothing to anyone about it.

As I stood in that hospital room, I prayed the same prayer over my wife that we had, together, prayed over our son those years ago. I prayed “God’s Will be done”. I knew then that God’s Will may not be for my wife to stay with us here on earth. Honestly, if she had, her quality of life would have been horrible. She would have most certainly lost one of her legs. You see, her liver was full of cysts .. her kidneys, lungs, heart, and all other organs were shutting down. The disease had wreaked havoc on her body. She was “physically” beaten from the inside by an incurable, un-treatable, painfully invasive disease. I wanted her to be without pain, for she has been in pain for most of her life. I wanted her to be at peace. I wanted her to rest. Signing those papers to remove the life support … being there as the doctor “pronounced” her .. THE HARDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!

But to say that I do not understand ..

In all of this, there was still that boy of ours. He was 3 weeks away from turning 11 years old. PRAISE THE LORD, he gave his life to Christ just two months prior to all this mess. My wife had THAT peace in her heart. He was at a weekend camp. I had delayed having him brought to the hospital because things were happening so fast. By the time he was brought to the hospital, my wife had been “gone” for just over an hour. I had to tell my son that his mother was not sick anymore .. that she was not waking up .. that she had died .. THE HARDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE! Watching him “process and realize” what I was saying…. It was horrible.

He wanted to see her. So, we went up to the room. That very wonderful nurse (post for a different day) had gotten my wife cleaned up. All the machines were gone. No wires, no tubes, no anything. Just my wife’s body laying there in the bed. Resting.

I wish I could have recorded the words that my son spoke. NO preacher has EVER said it more clearly than he did right there at his mother’s bedside. This young life explained the purpose and plain of God’s Will and the need for Christ … the purpose and plan of Salvation … what it truly means to be a Christian. He knew that his mother was at peace. He knew he would one day see her again in Heaven. I was so very proud of him (still am).

But to say that I do not understand ..

That was just over 5 years ago. Every day has brought new struggles and challenges into our lives. My son and I both feel the deep pangs of loss. I have regrets of things I should have said to her, or not have said. If I had “just realized” what was happening, I could have done things differently. — We cannot change the past .. no matter how much we might want to. — When I tell someone to cherish the moments you have, I do so out of experience. Do not “ignore” the signs and insist it isn’t happening. You are not in control of life. GOD, the Creator of Life, is the ONE in control. As for “Expecting Miracles” … each breath we breathe is a miracle. Seeing the sun, smelling fresh bread, hearing a child’s laughter, experiencing LOVE with/for/from another … all of these, and much more, are miracles. Cherish the miracles God has given you. Cherish the memories you make. Cherish the moments you share. Remember, God’s Will is not always easy, or without challenge. Look at what Jesus went through for us.

…end transmission..